Transition

When I found myself crying in the bathtub listening to Some Nights by Fun, I felt a strange mix of fear, power and pain. I tried to pinpoint the reason I was crying. I realized it was because I can't stop fighting. And I'm so tired. I want to give up so bad right now. I want to rest. But I know I won't stop fighting. I just won't. I can't. I'm gonna kick and scream for a moment, lose all hope and vision for a short while and then slap some water on my face, look in the mirror and pull my boot straps up. This is the real raw honest truth. This shit is not easy. No matter what you do. Life is not easy. And if you push back against anything, try and make a change, do something great, care, it gets even harder. It feels like we're trying to lift the world and move it. All of the details involved in just getting moved into the airstream and heading out loom over us like a mountain. So many unknowns, mistakes, our fingers pointing at ourselves over and over, as we bulldoze through everything in our path, even some people, for which I deeply ache. But to the part of me waving the white flag, head down, the stronger part of me is saying gently, you know you're not gonna do that. And I know I'm not. Later I got to talk to a dear friend on the phone, the kind of friend who you can be honest with and say "not so good" to when they say "how are you?"and she pointed me to a spot-on analogy for the situation. A fellow mother, she reminded me of that pivotal and painful part of labor when you are dilating from 8 to 10 cm, before you are ready to push, which is called transition. I easily recalled that excruciating period that preceded the most euphoric and transcendent moment of my life when I first held my baby girl. I thought I couldn't do it. I tried to climb out of the large tub like I could just give up and go home. But then, I did it. Wow, I did it. I will never cease to be proud of and empowered by those hours of labor and delivery. Similarly, something is being birthed in our lives right now. It's grown for months inside of us and now it's time. We've labored and labored and it's about to be here. I can tell that we are right smack in the middle of transition because I've lost the vision and I feel like giving up, sure I simply cannot do this. But once I see where we are, I know we're almost there. It won't be much longer now. So I'll continue to put one foot in front of the other. I've done it before and I can do it again.

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