lifestyle

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I'm writing this from a little market in Austin, TX. as I drink a kombucha and watch the cars pass on the other side of the window.  I set my drink down on a copy of the Austin Chronicle and smile while Lana Del Ray serenades me through little white ear buds.  My whole body is tingling with an aliveness and sense of victory that, if it were to break through the surface of my calm and publicly appropriate demeanor, would probably reveal itself as the most atrocious football style victory dance or at least high pitched screaming laughter.  Possibly both.  But it remains a buzz pulsating through each individual nerve, lighting up my insides.  I bask in the feeling as if it were a spiritual spa.  I bathe in each sensation with utter satisfaction.  The occasion?  We did it.  After months and months of literal blood, sweat and tears, there is a palpable sense that we've broken through.  A simple transition, as if walking through an invisible veil.  But I don't need my eyes to tell me I've made it.  We are staying in our renovated vintage airstream trailer in an rv park downtown Austin, in a beautiful and fun area.  The air conditioning is finally working in the trailer.  We're fully moved in.  This is our home.  And now, it feels like home.  We've painted, decorated, organized.  We've played a good number of house shows so far and they've been amazing.  All of the sudden everything feels right.  I know now that every time I decided not to give up, it was because I knew I'd get here eventually.  We closed our eyes and jumped into the arms of faith so many times.  We pushed ourselves to live with our hands wide open.  Giving, receiving, flowing, believing.  Believing in everything we hoped would hold weight.  And now, we are victorious.  We are airborne on the winds of love itself.  Even as I try and describe the circumstances that surround this breakthrough I realize that if you look at those alone you may miss what I trying to express to you.  It's deeper, the victory is actually unseen.  It's impossible to describe really.  It's about presence. It's about breathing in the fullness of life, over and over.  It's that I believed something I was told about life, and love, and dreams, and hope.  And it turned out to be true.  

Believe.  Not just in things you desire, but in LIFE.  Life is meant to be incredible and dynamic.  The challenges and victories are the riches.  The letting go is the portal.  The openness and the surrender are the keys.  Ask and you shall receive.  Ask for life.  Ask for the fullness.  Then believe, embrace what comes, and push for the breakthrough.  

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Pilgrim "You For Me" Video | Happy Valentines Day

Once upon a time, after finishing my shift at the sushi restaurant where I worked as a hostess, I ran over to a little venue called 12th and Porter to say hi to a friend before going home to get off my feet after a long day. I rushed inside and found that I had missed the band, but I wasn't too concerned.  I said hi to my friend Pricilla and she immediately introduced me to a couple of fellas.  Conversation with one of them came quickly and easily and we were joking and bantering in a matter of moments.  My interested was piqued and my plans for the evening changed.  We talked until 3 in the morning. Five or so years later, he and I wrote this song together as we watched our daughter crawl across the floor after a toy.

Happy Valentines Day. Enjoy.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9AHPvzmkmk&w=560&h=315]

 

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Transition

When I found myself crying in the bathtub listening to Some Nights by Fun, I felt a strange mix of fear, power and pain. I tried to pinpoint the reason I was crying. I realized it was because I can't stop fighting. And I'm so tired. I want to give up so bad right now. I want to rest. But I know I won't stop fighting. I just won't. I can't. I'm gonna kick and scream for a moment, lose all hope and vision for a short while and then slap some water on my face, look in the mirror and pull my boot straps up. This is the real raw honest truth. This shit is not easy. No matter what you do. Life is not easy. And if you push back against anything, try and make a change, do something great, care, it gets even harder. It feels like we're trying to lift the world and move it. All of the details involved in just getting moved into the airstream and heading out loom over us like a mountain. So many unknowns, mistakes, our fingers pointing at ourselves over and over, as we bulldoze through everything in our path, even some people, for which I deeply ache. But to the part of me waving the white flag, head down, the stronger part of me is saying gently, you know you're not gonna do that. And I know I'm not. Later I got to talk to a dear friend on the phone, the kind of friend who you can be honest with and say "not so good" to when they say "how are you?"and she pointed me to a spot-on analogy for the situation. A fellow mother, she reminded me of that pivotal and painful part of labor when you are dilating from 8 to 10 cm, before you are ready to push, which is called transition. I easily recalled that excruciating period that preceded the most euphoric and transcendent moment of my life when I first held my baby girl. I thought I couldn't do it. I tried to climb out of the large tub like I could just give up and go home. But then, I did it. Wow, I did it. I will never cease to be proud of and empowered by those hours of labor and delivery. Similarly, something is being birthed in our lives right now. It's grown for months inside of us and now it's time. We've labored and labored and it's about to be here. I can tell that we are right smack in the middle of transition because I've lost the vision and I feel like giving up, sure I simply cannot do this. But once I see where we are, I know we're almost there. It won't be much longer now. So I'll continue to put one foot in front of the other. I've done it before and I can do it again.

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